Reckless Love

          In Love War Stories, one short story that Ivelisse Rodriguez writes is "The Belindas". Within this story, we follow Belinda as she is following her ex-boyfriend David and reminicising and hinting at their time together. In one of those moments we see when Belinda introduces David to her mom. The specific part I would like to focus on is when David and her mom are talking about love.

David says,""She loves me, understands me."

"Love?" My mom eyes me, and snaps back to him, "You don't think it's too soon for that? You've been dating a month and a half."

"We feel the same way about each other," he says grinning.

She doesn't grin back. I grip his hand tighter.

The last thing she told me that night was that the whirlwind, the fast love, was all bullshit." (p. 102).

          In this scene, Belinda's mother is clearly showing her disapproval of the Belinda and David's relationship. She's hesitant because they appear to be in love too quickly for her. For me, this interaction was one of many that threw up red flags in my mind. It could have been the building of suspense that Rodriguez was incorporating by not mentioning specifically the abusive parts of the relationship until later, but for me this scene showed in part how David could potentially be controlling as well as how he looked to other people around Belinda. The fact that David spoke for Belinda, "She loves me, she understands me" (p. 102) combined with her mother's concern "the whirlwind, the fast love, was all bullshit" (p. 102) led me to believe that this relationship wasn't right for Belinda and it could turn abusive and horrible really quickly.

          Another factor of Belinda and David's love is the careless and simple nature of it. She describes what she imagines David and his new girlfriend's relationship is like, "I wonder if he has told her his prepackaged tragedies spilled early and often, hastening you into love. Because what is love if not triumphantly saying, I know him...He loves so carelessly." (p. 103). Within this she describes David being the type to make sure his girlfriends knew of his tragic background early on and to ensure that his girlfriends fell in love with him quickly by knowing this. I think this can be another sign of an abuser - as he is getting the person he is to know these deep parts of him quickly and is able to use those parts later on when he is in his apology stage after the abuse. Whether he ever does this, we don't know or see that in this short story, but I wouldn't put it past him to also see this within their relationship.

          For abuse within relationships, it is extremely difficult for the women to go to any authority to report what has happened. There is a huge stigma against women going through domestic violence and it is frequently swept under the rug. For Latinas and immigrant women, the ability to go to anyone about domestic violence is severely inhibited as they are frequently unaware of their legal protections and may be worried about what may happen to them and their children (especially if they are undocumented). These worries and fears lead to these women staying in these abusive relationships. The immigration system as is isn't equipped to humanely handle immigrant women who are in these situations - as it will be more likely to want to question their status of immigrant or citizen over any questions on how these women can be helped out of these abusive situations.

          However, what I do appreciate about this short story is how it ends on a small note of recovery. "He is recklessly on repeat, though. Just the boyfriend I knew. Once upon a time. Not blooming at all while I birthed Belindas." (p. 113). While I wasn't sure how I felt about Belinda's process of stalking David, I appreciated that she made this realization because of it. Because David stayed the same, he ended up repeating the same cycle of abuse with his new girlfriend. However, Belinda changed. Several times throughout the short story Belinda remarks on how she hated the person she became when she was with David, so she deliberately and physically changed herself so she didn't look like the same person. In this sentence she's recognizing this process of change that she's went on, "I birthed Belindas" (p. 113). While I don't think she is 100% her best self when we end the short story, I do think she is on the road to full recovery.

How does the themes of abuse within this short story connect with Hernandez Castillo and his mother?
How else might it be difficult for Latina women or undocumented/immigrant women to find recovery from or get out of an abusive relationship?

Looking for a tether in Mexico

Throughout the course of the novel Marcelo Hernandez Castillo struggles with the idea of belonging and whether or not he is real. In the majority of the novel he wants to be practically invisible, to escape scrutiny and fly below the radar of the Immigration officers. He describes himself desiring so much to be seen that "It was easy to imagine being hit by a car, because even if they didn't see me, I would for once be able to feel my body as more than smoke". This line connects to the mindset that Marcelo has on a broader scale to remain hidden from everyone, and how on edge he remains. His desire to go back to Mexico and see his father is in no small part an attempt to combat this feeling and this dissatisfaction with the ethereality of his own existence. Marcelo believes that going back to the place he was born his "origin" as he calls it will give him something to cement and tie his existence down and support himself as a human being. In doing so and exploring this process he reflects on what it means to be an immigrant in America and how dangerous and fleeting everything can be from terror to joy. I believe an excellent line to summarize this feeling is "We were always moving; I wanted to stay still for once". This is an outcry of emotion that Marcelo has had all his life but sadly has had to stifle because of the fear of ICE coming and removing him from the country, that fear seeped its into all aspects of his life and the opening scene is a great example of that fear and tension being omnipresent. All of these themes and elements are then compounded upon and magnified when Marcelo travels to Mexico to see his father. He begins to understand his fear more, especially when travelling over the border in the plane, he finally begins to unravel the techniques behind ICE and the American government to put fear into the heart of those who only want to love. The scene that frames these emotions and rebirth the best for me is when Marcelo first enters the house and spends time alone walking the halls and reminiscing about events and people that he never met. In the house he finds something of what was lost due to the constant pressure of immigration, he discovers that his ancestors built a "house once and never had to build it again". Through his interaction with this building that cannot be conquered Marcelo regains a hold on his personality and character in the real. He is no longer a wisp of a man flouted about on whatever wind takes hold of him, he has seen the foundation of his family and it is strong, his roots run deep. That same feeling is reinforced by the actions of his father, who Marcelo also finally comes to understand during his time in Mexico. Potentially battling those same emotions, and wanting to tie his family down, Marcelo's father built a house that is extraordinary, huge and strong enough to survive a hurricane or tornado or practically any other disaster. All of these themes connect to the larger idea of immigration taking your home from you and separating you from your family and ancestors, something that Marcelo struggled with is entire life. The time that he spends in Mexico is his attempt to fix those things in his life and finally attempt to become visible.

Why do you think that it was so important for Castillo to find something physical with which to tether himself to the real world? Were the emotions and actions of the place not enough for him? Why or why not?

I speak of this fear of being hidden and ethereal throughout my blog as being brought upon by immigration, do you agree with this claim, do you think that is the only reason or could it be caused by multiple things, i.e. Marcelo's father or relationship with his family?

The interviewer will see you now.

As we take in and analyze Children of the Land by Marcelo Hernandez Castillo, we are shown the experience of the undocumented dreamer inside the United States. In his cultural and independent struggle, Castillo faces his past, his heritage, and his new future as an original resident green card holder to "Be Grateful." Castillo's memoir shows us the reality of immigrant culture and what Anzaldua defined in borderlands on how "Culture forms our beliefs. We perceive the version of reality that it communicates. Dominant paradigms, predefined concepts that exist as unquestionable, unchallengeable,. are transmitted to us through the culture." Castillo's culture of living undocumented in the United States is filled with guilt and questions. Questions like the ones you find in interviews. "Interviews reminded me how much of my life was lived through questions and interrogations and how much of it was just someone waiting for me to tell them an answer how good I got at avoiding giving one." (81 Scribd.) The importance of interviews is shown throughout the book as life depending. The first one is Castillo's interview for his green card, in which he realizes that "An immigration interview follows the same rhetorical form as any other interview. The rules you're expected to follow are the same. It's a structure so common that I sometimes took its usefulness for granted. It happened every time I waited in line at the bank, at the store, or even when I made love. 81" Interviews question and interrogate Castillo as he deals with being accepted and accepting himself. He uses interviews independently from interrogation as a form of self-reflection and self-interviews similar to a confession, a "confession, and although I am not a Catholic, I believed in confession, in repeating the same prayer to dislodge whatever it was that was trapped inside me. I never went to church, but I wanted to confess to my friends all of the terrible things I had done to see if anyone would still love me. (117) We also see how interviews reflect other members of the Castillo family as both the father and mother go through an interview process of their own. The difference of set interviews is wide as "His (Apa's) interview wasn't going to be like mine. They weren't going to ask him who he loved, and if he loved them forever, they were going to ask him to say he was sorry." Interviews are not just a form of gathering information, of proving innocence, is synonymous with an interrogation. Parts of the culture that Castillo has shared are about the hiding of oneself, the losing for survival, the things that are unique not to cause any interest. Although interviews are invasive, and there is a separation of them versus "us," it's still better than the alternative where you are never questioned or asked who you are, and you continue hiding. "Despite our mutual uncertainty and fear, it was a triumph to be in Juarez. For so many years, to sit at a table for an interview was not even an option. It was our version of the Emerald City. We had made it that far. But unlike Dorothy, we had been disillusioned alone before we arrived." (168).

Ultimately what do you think Castillo's purpose was for including the interview purpose? His, his fathers, and his mother's?

 Castillo says, "I ventured to believe that the function of the border wasn't only to keep people out, at least it was not visible, to be seen, to be carried in the imaginations of migrants deep into the interior of the country, in the interior of their minds. It was a spectacle meant to be witnessed by the world, and all of its death and violence was and continues to be a form of social control, the way the kings of the past needed to behead only one petty thief in the public square to quell thousands more." (81) How does the border relate to the immigration "legal" process?

Domestic Violence Against Women

In the book, Children of the Land, Marcelo Hernandez Castillo persuades his audience with numerous topics such as domestic and systematic violence against immigrant women. Since the beginning, Amá demonstrates to be an independent woman who likes to work and to have a life far away from Apá. Amá took initiative to flee Mexico with her children as she tried to keep them alive. Yet, she is a victim/survivor of domestic violence. Hernandez Castillo writes “Maybe Amá and Apá didn't yet know they loved each other, even after so many years, just like I thought I knew what love was but didn't know how to love yet” (108). Hernandez Castillo implies his mother confuses the habit to be waiting for Apá with loving him. Also, Hernandez Castillo felt “He [Apá] won” (284) when Amá decided to go back to Mexico even when she knew her husband continued to see himself as the jefe of the house.

Amá was a victim of physical, psychological, and systematic violence. When Hernandez Castillo was trying to obtain a U visa for his mother, the opportunity was denied to her because the victim did not have a "credible" story, too much time passed, and the law was unwilling to provide justice. Additionally, “The U visa law told women like my mother how they should suffer and provided a checklist for correct forms of suffering” (243). Victims of sexual assault and domestic violence can be granted permission to stay in the United States under a U visa if they assist the police in their investigation. But women are scared to report violence to the authorities, especially undocumented women. They want to keep their families together and are terrified to be deported when seeking help. Last year, 33,500 assault victims applied for U visas, yet, the legal limit of U visas that can be guaranteed per year is 10,000. As a result, women continue to experience violence and oppression in their houses and systematically. 
Questions: 

1. Hernandez Castillo writes " ... we can confuse violence with love, trying to convince ourselves that it wasn't so bad" (206). In what other situations/parts is this portrayed throughout the text, and what are the consequences?

2. How does Children of the Land criticizes the “American Dream”?

Alcohol Helping Castillo Cope

Throughout the novel "Children of The Land" Castillo has an extremely complicated relationship with his father, the concept of love is very vague and broad in both languages according to Castillo, although he does seem to have a love/hate feeling for his father. Although, it is difficult for Castillo, as we know his father has an abusive past, although "drinking made it easier to live with my father and see past all of the chaos he inflicted" (p. 255). In this section Castillo explains how he sees the man who he feared and traumatized him is not as scary through drunk eyes. It feels like Castillo can see weakness in his father that he hadn't previously noticed. This could be a moment that represents Castillo realizing he doesn't fear his father as much as he had. He also mentions how he has been a support system for his father by sending him "ten or twenty dollars out of pity" (Castillo, 255). This is another example of Castillo viewing his father in a negative light, he must see his father as miniscule and pathetic when he drinks. Although, this isn't a healthy habit, and a combination of an abusive past as well as an alcohol problem could have lead Castillo to become an abuser himself. It is good that Castillo is making progress and realizing that his father is not someone he should be afraid of, which would be the first step in not having traumatic flashbacks, although Castillo should find another, more efficient way to cope.

https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/blog/alcohol-and-child-abuse/

This is an article that explains how alcoholism and child abuse are correlated, alcohol is correlated to many other types of abuse as well, such as domestic abuse.

Questions
1: Castillo notices very specific details about his father, he seems to understand his weaknesses and patterns in his behavior in an almost strategic manner. Does Castillo see his weaknesses so well because he struggles to find a way to truly admire his father, therefore making it more difficult to acknowledge the positives, or is it because he has simply been observing him for years and understands his father in a way nobody else does?

2: Is It possible that the better the imaginary reality Castillo finds when he drinks, the harsher the actual reality becomes he sobers up?

Surveillance Lasts a Lifetime

     
      

      Throughout the memoir, Castillo describes his experiences with family, immigration, sexuality, and much more. One theme that I saw continually throughout the text was that of surveillance, both real and imagined.
       Castillo compares his life to films and television shows, "I felt like everyone around me knew something I didn't, like I was in an episode of The Twilight Zone, or in the move The Truman Show, and everyone around me was playing a role. Everyone was looking at a small invisible camera except for me," (Castillo 311). The connection to The Truman Show is striking because, in the movie, Truman, from his birth, was raised in a made up world for television to be seen worldwide as the first "real" reality show. From his youth, Castillo believed that ICE had him under constant surveillance, "I was certain they [ICE] knew everything about me, my crushes, my fears, my deep longing to wander. I was sure they had been watching me for a very long time, " (Castillo 5). When Castillo received his green card it was no longer ICE watching him, but everyone. He had replaced the real ICE with the imagined belief that there was something everyone knew that he did not. In the section of the novel we read for today, Castillo reflects on the aftermath of his father's kidnapping, "We didn't know who was involved, so we assumed everyone was," (Castillo 303). Castillo's fear of those around him during this time stems from his lack of knowledge of the abductors of his father and their motives. This reaction is incredibly rational considering the situation and amount of duress to which Castillo and his family were facing, but it also creates a new, real surveillance. 
       This issue of surveillance is even more prevalent with the current pandemic. CNN released an article regarding the locations of people to help "track and combat the spread of the coronavirus." What some used to see as imagined surveillance, government phone tracking, is even more real today. 

Discussion Questions:

1.) Where in the text can we see surveillance, real or otherwise, affecting Castillo? How?
2.)  How does the affect of the real surveillance differ from the affect of the imagined surveillance? Is there a difference at all? 

The Games we Play and the Borders that Define us

Castillo experiences many emotions when crossing the border. Over the three times discussed there are two distinct concepts that appear repeatedly. One is about how the border is not limited to its solid form, the second is about how the whole process of both becoming a citizen and crossing is simply a game.

The first time Castillo returns to Mexico he contemplates the concept of the border and that while there is a border “nothing in the landscape around it held a particular shape for long” (28). He realizes the border itself didn’t just exist as a “long thread of hair” as it appeared from the plane, but rather “everywhere” (29). The border was not something so easily black and white, it was an oppressive concept that hung over the land, blending with it. Upon returning to the US without his Father we see segments from the first time he had gone to the US when his family had entered.  He talks about how he had slowly gone blind as if the oppression of the border had clouded his vision. “the things in front of me slowly became less and less of themselves… as if they too wanted to get a little farther north” (182). After losing colors, shapes, and shadows, Castillo was left with only contrasts, he could tell what a thing was not by what it looked like, “but by the things around it. By what it was not” (183). The border became an amorphous concept to him, instead of being limited to the line between the US and Mexico, it became a constant reminder that this was somewhere he did not belong. It wasn’t who he was that mattered, but rather the people and things around him that told him what he was.  Just like his “Welcome to America” had given him a spot in the US, even though he had already been here for 21 years. And even though he receives his spot in America, “We did in three minutes what my father had waited ten years to do but couldn’t” (196) he is quickly reminded that his acceptance in America is not permanent by the TSA agent who stops him and he realizes “ I had no choice. I wasn’t yet a citizen” (197). And finally, just as on his first crossing he tries to read a book on the plane and realizes “it didn’t make much sense. I couldn’t read the words” (198). The oppression of the border weighs just as heavily on him as it did when he was a child crossing illegally into the country.

Castillo laments that on his first crossing his parents wanted him to know the truth “the guns, the agents roving on foot with their large flashlights.” He wonders if they should have told him it was a game and decides that “Yes, they should have told me it was all make-believe” (174).  This concept of a game is hit on quite heavily again when he crosses with his green card and the border agents barely acknowledge his existence because they are so busy talking about football.  He looks back while drunk “I wanted to tell them about the border officers who were talking about football as if it was just football. Wasn’t it just football? Wasn’t it just a piece of paper? Wasn’t it just ten years?” (202).  He tries to understand how to some his life is less interesting than a game of football, wouldn’t it be easier if it were all a game? On page 199 Castillo has some sort of a dream in which there was a game that “the children played adults and the adults played children. The border agents were the grooms. The border agents were the smoke outside because everything was burning.”  Even in his dreams where he wants to believe it is all a game, he cannot escape the fire that it the government coming for them, the border agents as the smoke. So instead his family pretends they are a regular family from the movies “We baked every fucking pie we saw in the movies” (200).  They must try and be perfect “Americans” because who they are does not belong. They play a game to try and fit in. It’s all just a game.  From getting his green card to crossing the border, it doesn’t matter who he really is, his hopes and dreams are all irrelevant, all that matters is that he plays the game.

On page 17, Castillo talks about the photos he developed,  how everything was black and white how he had "no patience for gray." How does the notion of black and white fit into the concept of an amorphous, oppressive border?

In what other ways do we see the concept of a game or playing a part occurring throughout the novel?    

Justice For Immigrants

The Language of Children

"I waved my hands in the air, gesticulating, giving them instructions in this new language that I was certain they could understand but that they almost certainly couldn't," writes Marcelo Hernadez Castillo, on page 214 of his memoir, Children of the Land. "They laughed and I laughed with them because we were children and that was what children did."

Language centers heavily in Castillo's memoir for both obvious and subtle reasons. As a child who crossed the Mexico-U.S. border with his parents at a young age, he had to quickly become bilingual to fit in at his new kindergarten. He writes of how he didn't understand the language he heard his teacher or the musician who visited his class speaking, how he assumed that any sound he made that wasn't natural to him must be English because English was the "other" that anything new or foreign consisted of. His mother, he tells us, doesn't know any English even after raising all of her children in America, and his father understands some but doesn't know how to speak it.

More subtle moments center on love, abuse, and apology. Castillo also tells us about how apologies can be turned into expressions of gratitude, shifting the emotions we feel with the language we use. We see other moments like this, when Castillo both is and isn't guarded about how he writes of the relationship he has with his father, one that we learn is built on both love and fear due to the abuse he faced as a child. But more than just being a vehicle to understand Castillo's journey throughout the memoir, language serves as a bridge between the borders of time in the text. We see how his bilingualism changed him as an adult, and how it was, when it first started to come into existence, a moment of joy for him as a child, as he became more able to understand the new world around him.

That he so "quickly" became bilingual, as opposed to his parents' struggle with English, is no surprise, as children learn languages with greater ease than adults do. When he writes about his impromptu speech to the children outside his apartment, Castillo is writing about his own language acquisition. But this moment is also where we can see Castillo, in retrospect, starting to move away from his parents and the culture that they grew up with. It's a moment of separation, where one bridge starts to form as another begins to collapse.

Discussion Questions:
1. Given what we know about Castillo's father and mother, how do you think Castillo's bilingualism affected with his relationships with his parents as it further developed?
2. How do you think the text would change if Castillo had written it in a style similar to Anzaldua's "How to Tame a Wild Tongue", with Spanish and English intermixed? 

Family Dynamics: Father and Son

Castillo shows us the different sides of his father, almost as if he is on the outside observing him. Yet his narrative does not separate himself as someone who is trying to understand his father. I feel like the narrative surrounding his father does not take any specific negative or positive tone, rather one that is admirable of someone that they feel is above them, despite any flaws or mistakes they have. An example of this can be found in chapter 8, when Castillo is describing the different structures of the room and uses that metaphor to explore themes of compartmentalization. He continues to explain that his father can be easily stimulated into either ends of being happy and angry, and that Castillo also realized that he has the same habit. To me, the contrast he makes between himself and his father is more on the realm of realization and acceptance, rather than denial or any other negative aspects towards his father. This helps us understand more about Castillo and that his ideas about his father is of understanding about how he was shaped, and that Castillo has the same conflict of being shaped by an environment much different than his fathers. 

In a much different sense of understanding and acceptance of how Castillo sees his father, he also studies him. As he was helping preparing him for an interview in El Paso, Castillo tells us how he studies his father: "There was the broader image of my father, which I knew well, and then there were the smaller subtleties that I had forgotten over the years, some of which I never knew. Even in the short moments we'd already had together, I could already observe he didn't like the cuffs of his shirt to touch his wrists, he kept a pen in his shirt pocket with a small memo pad filed with names. Between both the large details and small, they composed the entirety of my father. I was content with having only part of him" ( pg 1956/4755 on Kindle). The way that Castillo observes and describes his father is very much disconnected, at least in this passage, from himself and their relationship. The habits that Castillo describe are not connected to their relationship as father and son, yet it can help us understand the way Castillo views his father; as a being whom he can only understand through observation. The last sentence eludes to the fact that his father is still a mystery, and with that in mind, he accepts that he cannot possibly understand or unravel identities of his father that are strange to him, or not apart of their relationship. 

Questions:

1) How do you classify the relationship between Castillo and his father? In what ways does the narrative about that relationship help us understand larger themes in the text?

2) Is Castillo's view of his father healthy? Can it be viewed as too objective/subjective?

"The Tidal Wave of the Past:" Intergenerational Trauma

Even though memoirs are expected to be centered around one person’s—the author’s—memories, Castillo’s memoir includes many short chapters that contain stories about multiple generations of his family. Castillo’s deep ties to his family’s past reflect the idea of intergenerational trauma—the theory that trauma can be passed on through multiple generations of families,communities, or cultures. Even as Castillo is grappling with his own immigration status, he also carries the weight of the trauma that the border and the immigration system has caused his family. Furthermore, he implies that his own story cannot be separated from his family’s story, as his parent’s struggles have permanently impacted the way he moves through the world.

               In the very first paragraph, before he describes the ICE raid on his home, Castillo suggests that many of his behaviors are inherited, as they seem to come naturally to him. He writes that in some moments, even if he had never experienced them before, “something inside [him] knew exactly what to do… as if I had been practicing for the Olympics” (1). His simile suggests automatic, repetitive motion, but he does not attribute it to instinct. Rather, he insists that “[it] was memory,” and that he was “tapping into an inheritance that up

until that moment [he] didn’t know he had” (1). Castillo points to his “inheritance” of trauma in the rest of this section of the memoir by sharing the experiences of his grandmother, mother, and father in Mexico, on the border, and in the United States. He suggests that due to their trauma, his body is wired to react in a certain way.

               Furthermore, since he imagines his memories as being older than his body, he thinks of his life not as a series of events that are happening for the first time, but as a continuous experience of déjà vu. He writes that, “[in] this way life appeared monotonous, nothing was a surprise, but my body couldn’t stop shaking,” introducing the reader to his constant state of anxiety and dread—the fact that he is always anticipating a disaster (1). Instead of seeing the past and the future as separate, he suggests that the past has the potential to affect the present. He positions himself as the border between the two, comparing his body to a “small breakwater holding back the past” (1).

How does Castillo relate his body to his family’s intergenerational trauma?

Do you think it is possible for Castillo to heal/recover from his trauma?

Moments of Erasure

        One of the things that immediately stuck out in the text is the reoccurring idea of erasure. Castillo includes a quote by Wendy Xu at the beginning of First Movement: "I am trying to dissect the moment of my erasure" (Castillo 9). Castillo describes his life as a long sequence of day to day survival, and he wonders what may have come of his life had he "been spared the energy it took to survive" (Castillo 8). Castillo's way of survival was a strategic method of erasing himself―to go unnoticed, to avoid getting caught. Not only does Castillo reveal how he erased himself but how the U.S. contributed to erasing him as well.

"I am trying to dissect the moment of my erasure"

        Castillo makes it a point to tell the ways he hid himself. Castillo describes his desire to blend in when he introduces the idea of Americanism that his father despises. Apa wanted Castillo to dress like him, not a representation of American culture. Castillo reveals that to dress a certain way leads to being noticed: "Why couldn't he see that I didn't want to bring attention to myself, that I wanted to hide?" (Castillo 38). Hiding himself led to facades that convinced him that they were who he was, when, in fact, they were erasing who he really is: "I had hid so much of myself through behaviors foreign to me, that I started to think those facades were in fact [me]." In the midst of his acts he "lost a sense of reality, a sense of who and what [he] was put on this earth to be" (Castillo 24).
        Castillo questions how much of himself he will have to give up as he pursues his green card from America. After erasing a lot of himself for survival, will he need to erase even more?: "I already had to erase much of myself, trying to survive; how much more was needed?" (Castillo 102). To become more American or a part of America, it is implied that immigrants must become less of their original culture. In his interview, Castillo says that the personal folder the woman carried about him "detailed everything about [him], and yet nothing." The government keeps every detail of his life, yet still fails to acknowledge the fears and longings that weave together to form who he is (Castillo 99). The woman tells Castillo and his wife that they most likely passed. "Welcome to America," she says, as if he had not been there for over 20 years. Such language suggests that, to the American government, he did not exist as anything other than an undocumented immigrant before that moment.
        The dissecting of Castillo erasure first begins with himself. He evaluates how his childhood was stolen from him. His mind erased his past because his mind decided some things were best not to remember. The profound moment is when he figures out how to find the parts of him that were erased: "Maybe if I touched the places where I (and those who came before me in my family) were born, then something would come back to me" (Castillo 24). Dissecting his erasure is not just analyzing when he was erased; it is dissecting who he and his family were before being erased.  

Life After Death

In the first part of the novel that we read for Tuesday Marcello talks about a brother Manuel who was born years before him and died hours after being born in the mid-80s. He mentions how Manuel was meant to be source of stability for his family. Since neither of his parents had citizenships their son could have been something that rooted their family in the U.S. and may have offered them a better understanding of who they are. Marcello is possibly indirectly talking about the 14th Amendment which has become very controversial over the last couple years. The 14th Amendment talks about Birthright citizenship, which is the principle that every child born on US soil is automatically a native-born citizen, regardless of the immigration status of the parents (vox.com).  Under the Trump administration many are making the arguement that this shouldn't apply to children of undocumented immigrants, despite multiple Supreme Court cases recognizing these children as U.S. citizens (vox.com). 

Throughout this part of the story he talks about Manuel as something that gave them purpose to be in the U.S.. When he talks about when they would return to Mexico he says that Manuel was the only person in their family who remained in one place (52). Throughout the novel he mentions many times how he had hard forming an identity of who he was because he was undocumented living in a country that he felt like he didn't belong in. He stresses how the border was not only a physical thing on the outside but something that he felt on the inside. I think in a weird way he is kind of jealous of his brother. His brother, if he had lived, would have been able to say he was Mexican-American, he would have an identity that would be accepted and understood by society. I also feel like he may be holding some resentment. If his brother were to live his family would have most likely stayed in the U.S. and could avoid run ins with immigration. I think Marcello tells us this story because he wants to reader to see the conflict he is facing with this identity crisis. Even though Manuel died over 30 years ago he had more of an identity that Marcello did at this time.

Vox Article 

1) Why do you think Marcello tells us this story?
2) How does the story about Manuel tie in with what he has been saying about the border throughout the book?

Mental Health Support Through Novels

In Sanchez’s novel I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter, the immigrant experience is portrayed through the lens of a growing teenage girl.  Though Julia’s perspective often provides a unique commentary on relevant, modern-day topics, her untrustworthy narration can make the story difficult to digest.  Due to Julia’s depression and anxiety, the majority of the story is written with an almost nihilistic attitude towards almost all events in her life.  The only reprieve we get from this dark lens is from the interactions with Julia’s boyfriend, a relationship which she enjoys partially for its alienation from her complex home life.  This all changes towards the end of the novel where we see Julia’s ignorance fade as she learns of the struggles of her parents and the lives of her family members across the border.  Julia’s trip to Mexico lifts the grey veil on her narration as Julia’s confidence builds and her world view expands to encompass people in different situations than her.  It is only after this event that we are able to Julia’s story through a happier, mentally stable narrator.

Opening at the Steppenwolf Theatre in Chicago

            In her efforts to repair relationships and tie up loose ends, Julia becomes a more likable character.  She gains empathy and understanding of other’s perspectives and appreciates that they may be different from her own.  Upon her return, Julia recognizes her mother and declares, “Because Amá is making such an effort to be a better mother, I’ve decided to be a better daughter” (pg 287).  This change of heart gives her character development which is essential to the story, but almost comes as a shock.  A recent theatrical adaptation gives Julia another chance in a different medium, providing an interesting opportunity to see further into her character progression during her time in Mexico.  With the alterations that may be made to the novel's timeline, a play may be able to provide insight into the mental transition Julia experiences, giving younger audiences more guidance in dealing with depression and anxiety.

            Mental health awareness has been a point for media attention over the past few years, and this novel is merely one example of guiding literature for teens who are experiencing similar mental states.  Sanchez does a terrific job in providing resources for her readers at the end of the novel, acknowledging that they may have much in common with the protagonist.  Though no two people react the same to medications that treat mental illness, this novel seems to use medication as a crutch to bring Julia's mental state back up.

Sanchez incorporates more accessible forms of depression aids such as journaling and exercising in Julia's recovery.  Why is this important considering the novel's target audience? 

What obstacles does this population face in seeking mental health care that mirror Julia's experience? 

The Struggle of Being a Teenager

In this section of the novel Julia, has a crisis of faith and her depression and anxiety both reach a climax that drives her to attempt suicide. This is the result of a number of different events that challenge the way Julia views the world and shatters any peace and order she gained in her life.  The first part of this is having sex with Connor and her interactions with Connor as a whole. Her physical encounter with Connor leaves Julia feeling very conflicted about the way she thinks about him and herself as well as sex as an activity. She sums it up while speaking to Dr. Cooke, Julia states "I don't see what the big deal is, and yet I feel guilty. I have these two competing feelings, you know?"(235). I think that this encapsulates the way that Julia thinks about life in general, that she is conflicted and drawn between various worlds that she never fits in to. One is the life that Olga seemingly left behind, one of the astute daughter who was dedicated to her family and her religion. The other is the dream life that Julia has for herself, of independence and wealth and most importantly the power to choose who she is and what she does. These two ideas struggle and conflict with one another and are the main source of conflict in Julia's life, she does not feel at home in either world. Again while speaking to Dr. Cooke, Julia summarizes these feelings well "I never belong anywhere. My parents don't understand anything about me. And my sister is gone."(236). This quote highlights the mindset of Julia for the book so far, one of confusion and anger at a lack of feeling of home and belonging. These are telltale signs of the mental struggle that Julia faces in her lack of connection with herself and her dream and her family and reality. This fundamental lack of connection is what drove Julia to attempt suicide and wind up in the hospital after slitting her wrists.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3139460/

1.In what ways does Ama drive her daughter further away from her with her unyielding desire for her to be the "perfect" daughter and in what ways does Julia exacerbate the situation with her rage and lack of communication skills?

2.Do you think the suicide attempt will be a catalyst for further emotional growth and connection between Ama and Julia, or do you think it will create an even more awkward situation that neither understands how to work past?

Mother knows best.

In this section of the book, Julia travels to Mexico where she is confronted with her mother's childhood. We learn about Amá's upbringing and how it compared to that of Julia's."She (meaning Amá) and tia Estela used to share a cramped, dusty room all the way in the back of the house. They even had to sleep in the same lumpy bed, which has never been replaced. I can't imagine having to sleep next to my sister my whole life. We've always been poor, and I've always had my own room."(250-251) Many things can be said about this realization, for one thing, Julia seems to question why Amá never grants her any privacy why all her things are looked through. But even then Julia has things that belong to her that can be looked through a room, journals, etc. But this section is important because it parallels Julia, her mother, and even Olga. Right before she leaves the US Juila was able to hack into Olga's computer. Did it make it alright that her sister was gone to look through her things, or like Julia said she was justified because she was looking for context? I think Julia always assumed that there was more in common between Amá and Olga. Julia constantly refers to herself as being unwanted and speaks about how her mother regrets her. All throughout the book, we see the tension caused by the relationship between mother and daughter partly it stems from the fact that Amá is strict and restrictive to her daughter's wishes for her future. Part of that tension could better be explained by learning more about Amá. For one we identified that we only see Amá through the point of view of Julia, which could be unreliable base on the bias of relationship she feels towards her mother. All these feelings of "I'm the only person going through this!" and "No one could possibly understand what I'm going through!" are not solely felt by Juila. These feelings of misunderstanding and rebelliousness are not uncommon for the Montenegro women. Even Amá has felt them.
" I know you and your mother don't get along, but you're more alike than you think," she (Mama Jacinta) says, stirring in the honey.
"I seriously doubt that"
"You know, she was always the rebellious one. She was the first one in the family to move to the other side. But you knew that, didn't you? I told her not to, but she said she wanted to live in Chicago, where she could work and have her own house."
"Rebellious? Amá?" My mind can't process that. My mother is the most rigid person I know. you shouldn't be so hard on her Mija. She's been through so much." (248)
This illuminates a connection to passion and dreams for a better life something that is seen in both women as they struggle to find their footing to push toward there goals. In this section, we find about how Amá was taken when she was crossing the border while her husband was held at gunpoint she was raped. Part of this experience could have instilled cautious in Amá to where dreams could take you and the dangers of foolishly dreaming that she later translates into her daughters.

 1.) In what ways does Amá's projection of fear (micromanaging and intrusive behavior) contribute to her personality/expression? Where do we see this in the novel?

2.) What do the similarities and differences between Amá and Juila mean for there relationships from now and going forward when Juila returns back to the United States. 

Perfection Doesn't Exist

Within I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter by Erika Sanchez, one of the major themes is this idea of the perfect Mexican daughter. The relationship between Julia, her mother, and Olga really exemplifies what Sanchez is attempting to get across about this concept of the perfect Mexican daughter - I believe. As each has their own idea of what it means to be a Mexican daughter, each person's actions differ considerably throughout the text. In the first part of the novel, Julia's mother places the role of cooking as to be an essential component of being a Mexican daughter. Her mother says, "What kind of woman are you going to be if you can't even make a tortilla?" (p. 33). This comment places all of Julia's success in being a Mexican woman/daughter on her capability of making tortillas right and ensuring that they are "nice and round" (p. 33) like Olga's always were. Through this section this also shows us the tension that is in place between Julia and Olga and how their mother views them. Olga has been propped up as this perfect Mexican daughter who is willing to stay at hom and help her parents - in addition to this she's excellent at making tortillas. Her mother also makes it known several times throughout the first part of the book that she views Olga as the "superior" daughter by consistently comparing Julia to Olga. So, this line of competition and tension is built up within Julia which complicates her process of grief and mourning for the death of her sister.

However, despite the fact that their mother views Olga as this perfect Mexican daughter - Julia is learning that that may have not been the case and we see how this image of the perfect Mexican daughter may have affected Olga. Julia says, "the only time I ever asked her [Olga] why she didn't move out or go to a real college, she told me to leave her alone in a voice so weak and brittle, I never wanted to ask her again" (p. 3).  This appears to me that Olga was potentially experiencing the exact struggle Julia is now facing - where she wants to live a certain way, but is experiencing pushback from her mother and the impact of Olga's death. This shows that both being the perfect daughter and the imperfect daughter have consequences. So, this idea of the perfect Mexican daughter definitely comes with a lot of tensions in terms of family dynamics and ideas of Julia can be this perfect daughter for her family while still remaining true to herself.

Discussion Questions:

In what other ways are Olga and Julia seen as polar opposites? Any moments where they are more alike?

What does it even mean to be a perfect Mexican daughter – according to Olga, Julia, and their mother? Is there a middle ground? Can one be an average Mexican daughter?

Children of Undocumented Immigrants: Family Interdependence

When undocumented immigrants arrive in the United States, they have to overcome numerous challenges such as exploitation in the workplace, understanding a new culture, and becoming victims of laws that unfairly oppress them. In the book, I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter, the main character, Julia, mentions her parents being unhappy with their life in Chicago. They miss their family, food, culture, and life. Additionally, Julia mentions how her dad works up to twelve hours packaging candy so he always has problems with his body. Julia’s dad tells her “Don't work like a donkey like me. Be a secretary and work in a nice office with air conditioning” (Sánchez 121). Although Julia would never want to work as a secretary, she does not contradict him because she feels guilty for having to see her parents being exploited. The hourly wage for undocumented workers is much lower than for workers born in the United States, and benefits such as healthcare are denied. Yet, immigrants find ways to make a living in a system designed to keep them in poverty.

When Amparo, Julia’s mom, decides to organize a quinceañera for Julia, who dislikes the idea; she thinks the popular tradition is an embarrassment and a waste of money. Julia told her mother she did not want to have a quinceañera, but Amparo manages to get the money for the celebration because it is important in many Latinx countries. As mentioned in the novel “According to the tradition, I am a woman now. I'm available to men. I can wear makeup and high heels. I can dance! But if this is what it means to be a woman, maybe I don't want to be one” (Sánchez 155). For Julia, a young feminist trying to determine her own path, it is very challenging to celebrate a sexist tradition, yet, very significant to her parents. 

Children of undocumented immigrants constantly feel a strong necessity to repay their parents by doing well in school, financially contributing to the house, or by having a quinceañera to please their parents. In the novel, Julia remarks on her desire to go away to college, to escape, but she also spends a lot of time mentioning all the sacrifices her parents have made. For example, Julia feels guilty to see her mom cleaning other people’s houses all day and then keep cleaning at their house. Unfortunately, the struggles of Julia's undocumted family for others is a tragedy that will entertain them. When Mr. Ingman tells Julia to emphasize the fact that her parents are still undocumented because “Admission committees love that stuff” (Sánchez 166). Julia has to use her “brownness” and fit the expectations of what it means to be a Mexican daughter to be considered for enrollment at a higher education institution. Julia, as a daughter of undocumented immigrants, cannot avoid thinking about her parents' sacrifices and how she should help them later in life.

Discussion Questions:

How is love portrayed in Julia's family?

What is the importance of interdependence in this novel?

Julia is Entitled to Her Own Body

Throughout "I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter", Julia Reyes is constantly judged or frowned upon for her inability to conform to restrictive rules and guidelines that her family or anyone else in her life tries to infringe upon her with. The section I am focusing on is the first few pages of Chapter 9, where her mother doesn't allow her to buy the black dress that "shows your chest too much" (Sanchez, 107). Julia then tears up with frustration because picking out an outfit should be a decision that one is in complete control of, but instead she is restricted by her mother. She can't help that she likes the way she looks in the color black, and she can't control the size of her breasts. Instead of her mother supporting Julia when she thought she found the perfect dress, she basically shamed her for it, it's moments like this to support why Julia thinks other people in her family find her weird. Also, moments like this throughout the text feed into her insecurity about the size of her breasts. Another example is when Chris gives her an excuse of a compliment "You look nice, for once" (Sanchez, 110). That was bad enough, but on the next page he proceeds to disrespect her by observing her "like a piece of beef on clearance" (Sanchez, 111).  At this point he is observing her physical appearance (mainly her cleavage) but he also has no interest in treating her with respect. She obviously was uncomfortable after his first compliment, but then he proceeded to infringe upon her as though he was entitled to because he liked the way she looked. Julia has a lot of maturing to do, and I do feel as though parents have some obligation over there children and can make some decisions for them, but Julia is at a delicate age at this point in the book and with her sister not around to talk to anymore, she needs all the support she can get from her mother, and as little communication with horny, judgmental, disrespectful teenage boys as possible. 

This is an article, about what causes insecurity, and I believe the social-anxiety section fits well with what Julia Reyes is being faced with. Even at the party before Chris came up to her, "I start worrying about where to put my hands... what if I look like Frankenstein with my arms hanging stiffly by my side." (Sanchez, 111). People who suffer from social anxiety have a constant fear of being judged, and for Julia it is rightfully so because she actually is constantly judged for her tastes/appearance.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201512/the-3-most-common-causes-insecurity-and-how-beat-them

1) Should Julia be more obedient towards her mother, and not question her authority like her late sister Olga? Or is she justified in her refusal to conform?

2) If Julia spent more time with her parents, would she be more like Olga? Or are her views to dis-aligned with her parents?

Trapped In Expectations

Lauryn Davis

        In chapter three of I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter by Erika L. Sánchez, Julia describes what she dreams of in the future, "I'm a famous writer who wears flamboyant scarves and travels all around the world, meeting fascinating people" (Sánchez 27). These fantasies of a better, more exciting life are not uncommon of a fifteen year old but, what follows afterwards is. When Julia stops daydreaming she, "realize[s] that I'm still in my tiny bedroom and can't even go outside. It's like a living death. I almost envy Olga, which I know is completely fucked up"(Sánchez 27). On the surface, Julia, after being grounded by her mother, appears to feel trapped inside her apartment. Not only is she physically trapped within the confines of her apartment, she is also trapped under the weight of her family's expectations of what a perfect Mexican daughter should be. In this moment, Julia envies her sister's death because she believes that her "living death" is in some way comparable to real mortality. This envy highlights Julia's age and lack of maturity. Also, I feel that Julia has yet to be able to truly mourn her sister's passing and therefore distances herself from these unhappy feelings by envying and disliking the memory of Olga.  Furthermore, Julia also envies the legacy of what a perfect Mexican daughter is that has been left by Olga.

Julia's lack of space to truly mourn Olga's death is a plot point that struck me. There is a song entitled "Brother" by Falling in Reverse, a band that I believe Julia would listen to. This is a song about the lead singer's brother who had passed away due to a car accident and the lyrics relate very well to Julia's situation.


Discussion Questions:

1.) In what ways do Julia's feelings of being trapped under the expectations of a Mexican daughter contribute to her personality/expression? Where do we see this in the novel?

2.) In what ways does Julia comply with/go against her mother's expectations of what a  Mexican daughter should be? 

“Power in the Pen”

As “In the Time of the Butterflies” has demonstrated, acts of resistance are not limited to physical violence. In the novel, María Teresa actively resists Trujillo’s regime through the form of writing. Entries from María Teresa’s three diaries provide the trajectory of her individual growth as well as personal accounts. María Theresa is ten years old when she receives her first diary as a communion gift from Minerva and one of the most notable accounts is María Theresa’s thoughts on Trujillo. “I feel so lucky that we have him for a president” (Alvarez, 36). María Theresa’s opinion of Trujillo in this moment reflects those of her father who has prepared a speech in Trujillo’s honor. María Theresa even states that she is proud to share her birth month with Trujillo because she may possess some of his traits. Minerva gifts María Theresa, who is now 18, her next diary as an Epiphany present. The prominent difference upon receiving this diary and the one she was gifted years prior is María Theresa’s outlook on her father. When gifted the first diary in 1945 María Theresa seems to take pride in her father. In 1953 at her father’s funeral, María Theresa resents the man and her secret sisters who she regards as “her girls”. María Theresa’s political ideals have shifted to passive disagreement. “But never in a million years would I take up a gun and force people to give up being mean” (Alvarez,123). María Theresa’s final notebook is smuggled to her by a guard when she is in prison. She is 25. María Theresa writes about her time in prison as much as she can because she is sure that the records will be of importance. When gifted her first diary, Minerva tells her that “keeping a diary is also a way to reflect and reflection deepens one's soul” (Alvarez, 30). It is while in prison that María Theresa notices a distinction between Minerva and herself: principle vs personal. (Alvarez, 250).

Discussion questions:

What can be said about María Theresa’s progressing feelings towards her father and Trujillo? Do they relate/correspond in any way?

What moments in the text portray Minerva as prioritizing “principal” and María Theresa finding more importance in “personal”?